Change is good, they say...

...they might be right.

"I feel totally lucky, and yet I still wonder when the bubble will burst and it will all end."

I wrote that in 2006...who knew it would happen within 2 years of my writing it? If I'd known I might have done things a little differently. In fact...I KNOW I would do many things different. I definitely am doing things differently now! I have to. I have no choice.

Everything is different.

I am alone again. Just me and my animals, again. And my thoughts...and my memories...and my pain. Except now, the pain is not as great as it once was. I am almost ready to start writing to Mom like I've been wanting to do since she died. I'm almost there, Mommy.

I'm in a safe place. Comfortable...peaceful...surrounded by all my special things and my 3 special 'kids'. All I have left of the life we shared together are the memories and pictures. I am stuffing the pain, mostly...but it is slowly going away. The trust was gone, then came the anger...and now there is only sadness and emptiness. I am adjusting to being alone, I suppose. I'm ok with it, I suppose. Do I have a choice? Yes...and no. I made that choice a few weeks ago, and got bitten and rejected one more time. So my heart is hardening...is that a good thing?

The one thing out of all of this I cannot accept is Noah not being in my life. That pain is too much to bear.

So on I trudge... one day at a time. Thinking, thinking...of past relationships, of the loves I've had and lost (or walked away from) of the ones who turned their backs on me

(WHY???) and the turmoil and confusion in my mind continues into the next year, and the next... longing for that one continuous love that I know is there somewhere. Or not??? I can't think of that, it would break my heart. I am meant to SOAR and FLY and be HAPPY and FREE and DRINK in LOVE and LIFE and PASSION. I just know it!!! The skipping beat of my heart....the feeling of the world going away when I'm in their arms... gone.

So maybe that one continuous love is....ME? Hmmmmm....